


rockstar

by gothicoppression



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Angst, Band Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Chae Hyungwon, Mentioned Im Changkyun | I.M, Mentioned Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Mentioned Lee Jooheon, Mentioned Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X), Mentioned Monsta X Ensemble, Mentioned Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Mentioned Yoo Kihyun, band au, jookyun - Freeform, monsta x band au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:00:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25514674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothicoppression/pseuds/gothicoppression
Summary: sex / drugs / rock n roll... what could go wrong?lim changkyun, loser tech student, and lee jooheon the brute drummer
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon
Comments: 7
Kudos: 38





	1. come hang out

"changkyun you're going, i already bought us tickets"

damn it wooyoung.

"woo you know i don't do well with people" changkyun sighed inwardly knowing that this argument was pointless.

if wooyoung wanted something, he was gonna get it. even if it was against what changkyun wanted.

wooyoung was the type of guy to go to crowded sweaty bars while some stupid ass metal band played; a mixture of narcotics and alcohol could only be used to describe the weird musk.

you see, changkyun on the other hand wasn't very social. in fact, wooyoung was really the only person he talked to in the entire school, and it's only because they're dorm mates.

it's not that changkyun is weird, he's just sort of indifferent to pretty much everything... which to some people would make him weird, but he didn't care.

growing up he didn't have many friends, mainly because he was forced to focus on his studies and maintain straight a's. his parents were only concerned with his success.

maybe he could try being friends with wooyoung? he's just a little much sometimes...

like in this very instance. another flaw in changkyun and wooyoung's potential relationship was their general taste.

wooyoung is loud, therefore he listens to loud music. he wears loud clothing with all kinds of piercings, and dyes his hair a lot. changkyun is socially awkward, not shy, but unskilled. he's kind of nerdy in his own way; wears circular glasses and studies computer science.

wooyoung is a flirt. all the girls practically throw themselves at him, and he enjoys it. changkyun is flat out gay with zero interest in boobs or women in general.

who knows, maybe wooyoung could help mold him into something. anything.

"changkyun we're leaving in 20 minutes-"

"what are you wearing" wooyoung looked him up and down with a weird expression on his face.

"what's wrong with what i'm wearing" changkyun scowled.

"kyun you cant wear long sleeves to a basement metal show"

"you'll sweat to death"

"fine by me. maybe i'll even fall over from the heat and get carried out so i don't have to stand another minute in there"

wooyoung rolled his eyes at his stubborn roommate.

——————————————————

what wooyoung failed to do, was inform changkyun that they weren't the only ones attending the event together.

wooyoung invited his entire fucking friend group. perfect.

changkyun stood awkwardly off to the side, feeling more like a less important wheel. he could tell wooyoung tried his best to include changkyun in their conversations, but it didn't really work.

he looked changkyun's way with a guilty look mouthing an 'i'm sorry' to which changkyun scowled at, but waved a dismissive hand.

he was kind of used to this treatment, so it wasn't the end of the world, but it still stung a little bit none the less.

after a few minutes of everyone standing shoulder to shoulder in the dense, dark room, the lights started to flicker. a light murmur fell over the crowd as people eyed the stage in anticipation. then he saw it. a few strobe lights had started flashing various colors and what appeared to be a smoke machine started emitting a thick smog.

changkyun had never experienced anything like this. he was so entranced with the moving strobe lights, that he didn't realize that wooyoung and his friends had suddenly vanished from his side. panicking, he searched the moving crowd looking for any signs of what might be wooyoung, and lucky for him, he spotted a mop of blonde hair right at the front barrier.

changkyun pushed and shoved his way through the rampant crowd, getting smacked and stepped on in the process, but he had finally made it to the mop of blonde hair which he assumed to be wooyoung, but boy was he wrong.

not only had he lost wooyoung, he was trapped at the front, no plausible exit in sight. changkyun sighed heavily and decided to give up and pay attention to the stage.

he was really gonna kill wooyoung. first he takes him out of his comfort zone to an area filled with people. second he leaves him stranded in a mosh pit. and third, he made changkyun feel more like an outsider than he already did.

suddenly a loud noise broke him from his thoughts and the band had finally made their way to the stage. "ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING CRAZY" the lead singer spoke loudly into the mic and the crowd responded with a vast amount of screams. changkyun's eyes wandered around the stage, looking at all the different instruments and the people playing them. these guys looked scary if he was being honest. they had this sort of dark, grungy aura around them that seemed to magnify their presence. changkyun's eyes finally landed on the drums.

more specifically the drummer, and it was like something inside him had stopped. his eyes stared directly into the drummers, which in return met his frozen gaze. changkyun couldn't comprehend what was happening right now.

he looked away quickly hoping that his cheeks hadn't become flushed, but wow. he had never seen someone more ethereal in his life. he had the deepest dimples he's ever seen, along with his sharp predator like eyes. changkyun was enthralled.

the show went on and it was exciting to say the least. changkyun even found himself bobbing his head along with the songs.

puffs of smoke washed over the crowd that smelled eerily of skunk, but changkyun was too focused on drummer boy to notice himself catching a second hand high.

he watched his bicep muscles flex as he hit the drums; watched sweat droplets roll down his angular, yet soft features. and then he did something that killed changkyun's already beating heart. he smiled, his deep dimples on full display. oh fuck.  
———————————————————-

after awhile, the show had ended and everybody started filling out of the small basement. still no sign of wooyoung anywhere. maybe he was upstairs.

changkyun made his way up the stairs towards the bar area, where the smell of alcohol and stale weed was extremely prevalent. he scanned the room looking for wooyoung's dumbass, only to find him sat at the bar with his friends, surrounded by giggling girls.

he marched over to wooyoung, and pulled on his shoulder until he was facing him fully.

" wooyoung what the fuck"

" changkyun-" he looked up to the older with guilt in his eyes

" save it. just give me money for a taxi"

" kyun i can drive you home, just wait a little while okay? i'm sorry we got seperated, we tried looking for you. honest"

"why don't you go get something to drink"

wooyoung raised a brow at the older in a pleading manner.

"i'll pay"

changkyun sighed heavily.

"fine."

Wooyoung waved down the bartender and made sure whatever changkyun ordered would be put on his tab.

Changkyun sipped on some beer the bartender reccomended, and walked aimlessly around the bar. all he could really think about was the hot ass drummer. changkyun wondered if he would ever see him again.

wooyoung's loud laughter could be heard from all the way across the bar. changkyun smiled sadly to himself as he watched him and his friends flirting with the girls. it was hard being gay, because sometimes changkyun wished he didn't fantasize about boys. he wished he didn't find them attractive. he wished he could look at a girl and feel something. be normal for a change. he didn't fit in with wooyoung, as much as the younger tried to incorporate changkyun in with his friends, it just didn't feel right. maybe he was just destined to be alone.

" you good?"

changkyun whipped his head to the side only to find the bassist smoking a cigarette, looking solemnly at him. his long black hair swept back into a ponytail.

"me? yeah i'm fine" he sipped his beer nervously.

" you don't look like you're having much fun" the bassist frowned tilting his head slightly

" did you not like the show?"

changkyun raised his eyebrows in alarm "no no, the show was really good! i enjoyed it, i've just got a lot on my mind"

the bassist took another drag from his cigarette

" come hang out with us"

it almost sounded endearing to him. getting to go hang out with the band. see drummer boy again, but he felt like the bassist was taking pity on his glum demeanor.

" thanks, but no thanks. i don't want to intrude. plus i really should be getting back to my friends"

changkyun internally cringed at his word usage

" yeah they look like great pals" the bassist rolled his eyes

" come on please?"

"we don't bite i promise, plus it looks like you need to let loose a little"

to go, or not to go that was the question wasn't it. changkyun processed the bassist's words before deciding he really didn't have anything to lose besides his dignity. What if the others thought he was lame?

fuck it

" i guess just for a little bit"

the bassist smirked and grabbed his wirst leading him through the crowd

" i'm hyungwon by the way"

"changkyun"

the bassist led him through a corridor towards the back of the bar where they approached a door that read 'performers only '

this was going to be interesting.


	2. let loose

hyungwon led changkyun through the door where the rest of the band was sitting.

empty liquor bottles littered the table, and a heavy smell of tobacco lingered in the air 

changkyun felt so nervous all of the sudden. he felt out of place here as well. 

"god damn hyungwon took you long enough" 

hyungwon stuck his tongue out in a teasing manner 

"guys, this is changkyun"

he waved awkwardly at the 5 men sat in front of him, but his heart started pounding out of his chest when he realized who was in the room with him.

"he's gonna hang with us for a bit" 

maybe this was a bad idea 

the first to speak was the one with the slicked back hair, who changkyun remembered as the lead singer

"well don't just stand there, come sit" he waved him and hyungwon over to the beat up couches 

drummer boy was sitting on a separate chair, eyeing changkyun up and down with his predator like gaze

and just his luck, he ended up on the end of the couch. fuck. 

"oh shit we didn't even introduce ourselves, i'm kihyun"

the vocalist took a long drag from his cigarette before nodding his head in his general direction 

"i'm minhyuk" the keyboardist reached over and shook changkyun's free hand

"i'm hyunwoo" 

"hoseok" the guitarist fiddled around with the strings on his fender 

"i'm jooheon" 

changkyun wanted to run out of the room. he felt his cheeks start to heat up as soon as the drummer introduced himself. his voice was course but yet sweet, and changkyun found himself floundering.  
\---------------------------------------------

they had all been talking awhile, and changkyun began to feel more relaxed. he even contributed to their conversations, and found himself laughing at their jokes and stories. 

kihyun passed minhyuk his cigarette, allowing him to take a few puffs, before breaking into a coughing fit. 

the room erupted in laughter as minhyuk struggled around on the couch. 

changkyun watched as jooheon's eyes scrunched up into tiny crescents when he laughed, and felt his heart melting. for a moment, he almost looked child like, instead of this big, scary, punk drummer. 

"what about you changkyun, tell us about yourself" 

hyungwon fixed his eyes on the boy sat next to him 

"i mean what do you wanna know" 

changkyun scratched the back of his head awkwardly. he hadn't really prepared anything interesting to say about himself, mainly because there was nothing to say. he wasn't like these guys, and he had to keep reminding himself that all of this was temporary. they weren't his friends, and they probably didn't want to be. 

"how old are you" 

jooheon had spoken to him for the first time. directly. 

feeling his overpowering gaze fixed upon changkyun, he was amazed that he was able to even speak proper words

"i'm 19.." 

"awe he's a baby" minhyuk cooed 

"minhyuk shut the fuck up aren't you like 20" 

hoseok laughed, taking a swig straight from the bottle of whisky

"so were those guys out there really your friends, or was my sixth sense sending me false signals"

hyungwon raised a brow at changkyun awaiting his response. 

well this is just great, now they're really gonna think i'm a loser 

"no" changkyun answered truthfully

"i mean one of them is my dorm mate, but i wouldn't exactly consider us friends. he invited me out trying to be nice, but it didn't really work out. he's got better friends anyways"

changkyun paused for a moment before continuing his rant 

"i thought that maybe stepping out of my comfort zone and coming to something like this would boost my confidence, but it didn't. i feel silly because i know that him and his friends think i'm fucking weird and incapable of bonding with people. i've just made a complete ass out of myself when i could've tried harder at making friends" 

he sipped his beer nervously, he had definitely shared a bit too much in the heat of the moment. he should've just lied and said that they were great pals, but something compelled him to just tell them how he was actually feeling. 

"they sound shallow" hyunwoo spoke first, surprising changkyun with his bluntness

minhyuk nodded his head in agreement 

"yeah i wouldn't want to be friends with them either if i were you" 

"maybe we can be your friends" 

changkyun raised his head to meet hyungwon's eyes, starring down at him; cigarette hanging from his nimble fingers 

no one had ever offered something of this value to changkyun.

"i'd like that" jooheon spoke, moving around on the chair a bit, placing his elbows on his knees and starting at changkyun's now flushed face. 

changkyun felt a wave of emotion hit him like a tsunami. he was not going to cry in front of 6 guys he met 3 hours ago, but it was so hard holding back the ocean of tears that wanted to spill from his eyes. 

he took a deep breath before wiping at his damp corners 

"i-i'd like that as well"  
———————————————————-

some more time had passed, before they decided it was time to head home. they all exchanged numbers with changkyun. even jooheon. he couldn't help the light blush that formed on his cheeks when he handed him his phone. 

one by one, they each left the bar until it seemed like it was just changkyun.

it wasn't a surprise to find wooyoung already gone, it was pretty late anyways. he probably thought changkyun decided to get a taxi on his own.

changkyun would have definitely hailed his own taxi, but the only problem was his pockets seemed to be a bit too empty to pay the fare. 

so he started his walk back to the dorms. they weren't that far, but they were still pretty far. he'd be lucky if he made it home by 2.

suddenly a beat up toyota pulled up next to changkyun; rolling the windows down to look at him clearly

"need a ride?" jooheon's rough, honey like voice spoke, startling changkyun

"o-oh no, no thanks, it's just up the rode here i'll be fine"

he lied straight through his teeth, but he didn't want to burden jooheon, or sit through an awkward car ride with quite possibly the hottest man to ever exist. 

"changkyun"

his sharp eyes gazed straight into changkyun's, almost begging him to challenge him 

changkyun sighed in defeat 

"seoul IT" 

"get in the car" 

changkyun hesitated before pulling on the handle and climbing into the passenger seat.

the car ride was quiet for awhile. he took in the overall musk of the car, which consisted of tobacco and something sweet that he couldn't explain. he didn't mind the smell, intact he found it somewhat comforting. changkyun glanced at jooheon's side profile, taking in all the little details. he studied his silver eyebrow piercing, watching it glimmer in the moonlight. he watched him bite his heart shaped lips as he focused on the rode. everything about this man drove kyun absolutely mad, and he had just met him. 

"you need to get better at being subtle" 

jooheon spoke playfully, eyes still trained on the rode

changkyun felt his heart leap to his stomach

"w-what?"

jooheon smirked 

"you heard me, i can practically feel you burning holes in the side of my head" 

changkyun wished for nothing but death in that moment. he wanted to crawl under his covers, and never come out. 

"s-sorry i guess i zoned out, i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable" 

"no don't worry about it"

"it's cute" 

he turned his head to the side and made brief eye contact with changkyun 

"so you're a college boy huh"

"what do you study?" 

come on changkyun speak fluent sentences. please don't stutter. 

"i'm majoring in computer science"

jooheon raised his eyebrows, seemingly impressed

"wow you really got it all figured out don't you" 

changkyun paused for a minute to think about what jooheon had said

the only reason why changkyun was majoring in computer science was his parents. they wanted him to take over the company after he graduated. take over the lim legacy.

but if you asked changkyun sincerely what he wanted to do

he would not say computer science. 

"i guess" he spoke honestly that time, because he really hadn't put much thought into what he wanted. it was always what his parents wanted. 

"what do you not like studying that nerdy shit" 

jooheon questioned almost teasingly 

"my parents wanted me to study it" 

as if he couldn't make himself sound more pathetic

"why are you letting your parents dictate your future" 

"you're 19 aren't you? grow a pair and tell them you don't want to study computer science"

changkyun scoffed. if only it was that easy.

"you don't get it"

"try me" jooheon challenged, tilting his head down to make eye contact with changkyun

so changkyun explained everything. well, almost everything. he left out the bring gay part and not being able to tell his family for the sake of being disowned. he told him about the way his family worked, and the standards they held him to; told him about his lonely childhood, where he had everything, but also nothing. 

changkyun doesn't usually open up to people often, but the obvious tension in the car was driving him to ramble. plus he felt strangely comfortable with the drummer. 

jooheon eyed him carefully before speaking 

"i understand" 

"maybe not the part about growing up wealthy or being held to high standards, but i know what it's like to feel lonely most of your life" 

"maybe when we get closer i'll tell you more, but i think you need to discover who you are. not who your parents want you to be. what makes changkyun tick. what does changkyun like. what does changkyun not like " 

those words hit deep within changkyun, because he knew that jooheon was right, but no one ever tried to understand how he felt. 

"i'm not sure where to start" he answered honestly 

"maybe i can help with that" 

this time changkyun looked up to meet jooheon's soft, yet searing gaze, and felt his heart clench. this was bad, yet so so good. 

changkyun knew that he was going to have to suppress his own feelings in order to maintain a friendship with jooheon and the others, and that hurt, but he didn't want to lose them. even though he had just met them, he felt happy around them. he felt almost free, and he wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as he could. no matter how selfish he was being.  
———————————————————-

the car finally came to a rolling stop in front of the dorms. the clock on the dashboard read 1 am. 

the car was still and silent, changkyun fiddled with his fingers as he debated whether to say goodnight or thank you, or both at the same time

so he decided on this 

"will i see you again?" 

jooheon smirked "i have your number don't i?" 

changkyun nodded, mostly to himself before he felt a light blush coat his cheeks 

he thanked jooheon for the ride, and wished him a safe return home 

just as changkyun stepped out of the car and started for the dorm buildings, he heard jooheon calling him; window rolled down and all

"oh and changkyun" 

"next time you wanna eye fuck me on stage"

"work on being more subtle will you?" 

oh shit.


	3. what do you want

changkyun shifted restlessly in his seat as he watched the clock slowly ticking by. he tried his best to pay attention to the lecture he was attending, but he couldn't stay focused. his brain kept wandering off into dangerous territory.

had jooheon meant what he said in a flirty way, or was he just being playful? 

it had been almost a week since he last saw him, but he seemed to be all he could think about

changkyun shook his head, trying to rid his mind of those thoughts. he had meant it in a funny way right? like how dudes tease eachother... 

but what if he did mean it in a flirty way? 

changkyun don't be stupid, he's not into guys

and even if he was, i'm sure he wouldn't even-

"CHANGKYUN" wooyoung spoke loudly shaking his shoulder

changkyun jumped at the loudness of his voice, and blearily observed the mostly empty lecture hall

"god damn i've been calling you for like five minutes"

"what's up with you today" 

"sorry i guess i zoned out"changkyun scratched the back of his head awkwardly 

wooyoung scoffed "you don't say"

wooyoung.

changkyun had decided to just forgive him after the bar experience. it was too much of a hassle to stay irritated at him, and he didn't want their shared dorm to become tense or uncomfortable.

he stood up from his seat and swung his bag over his shoulder

"cmon let's go back to the dorm, i gotta get ready. i got a date tonight" wooyoung spoke smiling triumphantly to himself 

changkyun gathered all his books and shoved them in his backpack before catching up with wooyoung 

"oh yeah what's her name, lucky number 76" 

"changkyun shut the fuck up, at least i get girls"  
———————————————-

bored. changkyun was bored. he was all by himself since wooyoung had gone out, and the silence was deafening. usually the dorm was filled with some sort of noise thanks to wooyoung and his loud nature, but changkyun was completely and utterly alone.

he walked around the dorm until he got bored of that and flung himself on the couch 

it was a friday night, he could go out if he really wanted to, he just didn't want to go by himself, because then he'd have to be asked the same stupid question by waiters or bartenders, or whoever was there

'just you?' 

changkyun pulled out his phone and started scrolling around aimlessly, when the unthinkable happened

1 new message / hyungwon  
are you home?

hyungwon had finally texted him after a whole week. he hadn't received any messages from any of them, so he just assumed they had forgotten about him like most people do

/changkyun  
yeah... why? 

/hyungwon  
good. come outside

changkyun looked out the window only to see a car parked right by the entrance of the dorms

hyungwon poked his head out of the car and gestured for him to come down. as he looked closer into the car, he saw everybody else sitting shoulder to shoulder. kihyun's arm hung out of the car; cigarette hanging between his dainty fingers

and jooheon sat by himself at the very back, where it appeared the only vacant spot left.

changkyun shouldn't jump to conclusions 

who knows, maybe they're just driving by

changkyun don't be ridiculous  
———————————————-

changkyun stood awkwardly in front of the driver's window 

he still wasn't completely sure if hyungwon had meant for him to get in the car...

"changkyun why are you just standing there" 

great job 

"oh you want me to get in?" 

hyungwon knitted his eyebrows in confusion 

"why else did i drive all the way over here to pick your ass up"

he laughed as he unlocked the car

"get in" 

changkyun opened the door only to find all the seats occupied except for jooheon sitting all by his lonesome in the back 

oh dear god

he took a deep breath, before climbing all the way to the back, meeting jooheon's playful gaze

"fancy seeing you again" jooheon spoke smoothly, smiling down at changkyun 

changkyun felt so small in his presence

he tried his best to compose himself as he fastened his seatbelt 

"likewise" changkyun retaliated; the sliver of confidence leaving his body

jooheon hummed laughing quietly to himself

"that's cute" 

changkyun felt all the color rush to his face as his heart did flips in his chest 

he looked anywhere but at jooheon, pleading to god or anybody who would listen to help him

"hyungwon how much longer till we get there" minhyuk whined 

oh yeah

where were they even taking him? 

"wait where are we going?" changkyun asked, feeling stupid for blindly following them 

everybody in the car giggled, except jooheon who sat there stony faced

"should we tell him" hoseok laughed, hitting hyunwoo's knee trying to contain himself 

"no no let him be surprised" kihyun smirked, inhaling a long drag from his cigarette 

oh now changkyun was definitely worried.

"jesus guys, you're scaring him" 

hyungwon turned his body around so he was facing changkyun

"don't worry kid, it's a good surprise"

"trust me" 

hyungwon smirked and raised his eyebrows up and down in a teasing manner.

changkyun sat back in his seat and sighed 

better than being at home by myself

the car ride wasn't so bad, everyone was talking noisily while minhyuk commandeered the radio, playing random shit

"so changkyun, did you miss us" 

kihyun turned around to meet his eyes

changkyun shrugged his shoulders playfully 

"eh...i guess" 

kihyun feigned hurt as he placed his hand over his heart 

"what about me" 

jooheon jutted his bottom lip out while he faked a pained expression.

changkyun's heart really couldn't handle much more of this guy

he laughed silently to himself before he met jooheon's puppy dog eyes

"no definitely not" 

jooheon's shoulders slouched slightly as he crossed his arms over his chest 

"alright fuck you then" 

everyone joined in laughing except jooheon who sat there looking pouty like a five year old

changkyun stopped laughing to look jooheon's way

maybe he had really hurt his feelings

"hey you know i was just kidding right" 

jooheon smirked before uncrossing his arms and turning his body so he was facing changkyun 

"i know stupid"

"i just wanted to hear you admit it"

changkyun had embarrassed himself yet again 

he tried to keep his composure, but he felt the heat rushing to his cheeks

changkyun playfully shoved jooheon away as the other laughed at his embarrassment.

finally the car had come to a rolling stop and changkyun took in his surroundings

it looked like they were in downtown seoul.

neon signs and bustling streets proved him right

all of them filed out of the car one by one until they were standing in front of the place that was supposed to be his 'good' surprise.

this was not good. 

changkyun felt his heart stop dead in his chest when he read the giant neon sign that flashed almost teasingly at him

'GIRLS  
'GIRLS  
'GIRLS

SEVENTH VEIL  
STRIP + BAR

hyunwoo slapped him on the back and pulled him into a side hug 

"tonight, he is a man" 

everybody took turns slapping changkyun on the back, except jooheon who stood back and observed changkyun's obviously uncomfortable expression.  
—————————————————

the bar was interesting to say the least. it was dark and dingy and smelled of cheap booze and perfume

girls walked around in skimpy outfits taking orders while others danced on the poles. 

shirtless.

changkyun sat at the table nervously bouncing his leg up and down, sipping on whatever was in front of him to help calm him. it didn't work. 

he felt weird. and gross. he watched all the guys' faces as the waiter bent down to pick up their empty glasses; cleavage spilling out of her tiny shirt

hyungwon seemed to be enjoying this way more than the others though. in fact, it was almost as if he was a regular here. he was on a first name bases with the strippers for fucks sake.

hyungwon stuck out a 20 dollar bill between his fingers and slipped it into the waitress's hand

"thank you for the lovely service as always ina" he winked and she blushed a cherry color before she reached out a hand and stroked his cheekbone 

"anything for my most valued customer"

everybody seemed shocked at the extremely intimate exchange, to which hyungwon just raised a brow in question 

"jesus hyungwon, you've been busy" 

hoseok eyed him as he took a sip from his beer

"so what'll it be today gentlemen?" 

minhyuk spoke up, grabbing changkyun by the shoulder and pulling him closer to his body 

"you see our friend here, it's his first time" 

oh shit. oh shit this is not good.

changkyun was about ready to shit his pants, feeling everyone's eyes on him 

am i... sweating? 

the waitress nodded, a sly smile dancing across her lips

"get him a private dance. on me" 

hyungwon waved his card in the air, as everyone began to protest 

"won i've known you for 7 fucking years and you've never bought me a goddamn private dance" 

kihyun sulked as he extinguished his almost dead cigarette 

changkyun began to panic. he did not want this. he really did not want this.

"h-hyungwon it's ok, you don't need to do this for me"

changkyun spoke nervously, trying his best to slink away from minhyuk's tight grip

"nonsense kyun, consider this a token of our friendship"

changkyun wanted to be anywhere but here. 

his eyes looked around the table in a frenzy until he met jooheon's knowing gaze

changkyun's blood ran cold 

he knows. 

jooheon could see the utter panic etched into his eyes.

this was no straight man's panic.

ina grabbed changkyun by the wrist and led him farther from the table towards the back of the bar.

shimmering curtains acted as doors to the so called 'private' rooms, and velvet furniture lined the walls.

ina led changkyun to a chair at the center of the small room before turning around to leave

"she'll be here shortly" ina winked before disappearing behind the shimmering curtains.

now changkyun was really fucked. 

calm down

he felt his heart beating painfully out of his chest, but not in a good way.

anywhere. they could've picked anywhere to go, and they had to pick this place.

changkyun wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, when suddenly he heard approaching footsteps 

a lady dressed in a tight latex outfit walked silkily towards changkyun, the curtains ruffling behind her.

oh dear god. 

changkyun watched as the lady walked in circles around the chair, slowly undoing the latex outfit until she was left in nothing but her bra and panties

changkyun felt sick to his stomach. he felt guilty that he couldn't understand, much less enjoy this girl's body, and he hated himself for it 

she pushed changkyun back into the chair before climbing on top of his lap, wiggling her body in fluid motions 

changkyun felt queasy. this was wrong. 

she touched all over changkyun's body, hands roaming wildly across his chest and torso as she grind her hips down onto his lap 

he felt hopeless.

he felt like crying.

changkyun tried. he tried so hard to just bear it; inhaling her sickly sweet perfume, but it only made him feel worse.

changkyun what's wrong with you

fucking freak

he felt weak and helpless as her hands traveled lower and lower down his body, tracing his hip bones until finally she began to brush up on his groin 

changkyun's breath hitched in his throat, but not in a good way.

more so, a terrified, uncomfortable way. 

he couldn't take this anymore 

he pushed the girl off his lap and stood up quickly. he felt so nauseous as he tripped over his own feet, fighting to reach the exit 

he looked around the hallway deliriously until he spotted the table where the rest of the guys sat; his eyes landing on jooheon. 

he was sat talking to a female waitress, smiling and laughing.

her hand grazed jooheon's chest as she leaned in to whisper something in his ear

changkyun felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. 

he always knew that jooheon didn't like men, but it still hurt. a lot.

he was so frustrated with himself and his stupid sexuality

he just wanted to feel normal. like his feelings were valid. 

he felt his bottom lip quivering as he bit down hard trying to stop the wobbling. 

as he approached the table, they started to notice his presence 

"damn changkyun, back so soon?" 

hyunwoo spoke playfully hitting him on the shoulder

changkyun was not in the mood. 

"i think i'm just gonna catch a taxi, i'm not feeling well guys" 

changkyun lied straight through his teeth, but he was praying that they would just go with it 

jooheon's eyes met changkyun's teary ones as he tilted his head in confusion 

changkyun averted his gaze, trying his best to focus on something else. anything. 

"you sure kyun? i can give you a ride if you need one" 

hyungwon spoke, eyeing changkyun suspiciously 

"yeah, don't worry about it.. it's just a headache, plus i've got a lot of homework to do anyways"

he forced a smile and bid everyone good night before exiting the bar.

here come the waterworks.

changkyun wiped away a few stray tears that had fallen from the corners of his eyes and took a deep breath.

what did he expect.

i mean really...did he really think that for some reason he actually had a chance with him? 

he scoffed as he shoved his hands into his pockets, waiting for a taxi to show up

i just want to know what it feels like to be wanted.

"changkyun" 

he turned around only to meet jooheon's soft, yet concerned gaze 

"hey are you okay?" 

he walked closer to changkyun until he was less then 3 feet away 

changkyun swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked up to meet jooheon's eyes 

"y-yeah i'm okay, don't worry about me. go back inside and have fun" 

jooheon frowned at the younger 

"changkyun" 

"i know."


	4. what do you mean

jooheon sighed as he entered his shitty little apartment

it definitely wasn't anything special, but it was perfect for him 

it was another saturday night; the band had played another gig at some bar, but something was definitely off.

he slumped down onto the beat up couch, kicking off his shoes

his mind was a mess. too many thoughts all at once, but one thing was for certain

jooheon was enamored.

that night at the bar, someone had caught his eye

but what surprised him the most

was the fact that it wasn't a girl.

he shook his head; shoulders falling in the process. he shouldn't be having these thoughts..

but he couldn't help himself

everything about him was driving jooheon insane

his full lips; pretty nose 

the way he always stood awkwardly around other people, hands shoved nervously in his pockets

his sarcastic remarks- 

he couldn't help the fact that his heart skipped a beat ever so slightly whenever he met his pretty eyes 

changkyun was his name, and jooheon would be lying if he said he didn't feel something towards him. 

he laughed weakly as he flicked a cigarette from his pocket; lighting it with shaking hands, and inhaling a large puff

the nicotine surged through his veins, as he fell into a temporary state of bliss.

he wanted to talk to him. see him again, just to prove to himself that what he was feeling was real, and not just an enigma

jooheon's had his fair number of girlfriend's, and flings in the past, but none of them seemed to have a lasting impact on him. 

the sex was okay, he never really had any vital complaints, but he always felt like there was just something missing. 

something that he was too embarrassed to even think about 

and that was the fact that there was a possibility 

that lee jooheon 

was not straight. 

he fished around for his phone in his back pocket before pulling it out, and searching for changkyun's contact info

he swiped around until he was on the text message app, typing changkyun's number 

new message to/ changkyun 

did you get inside okay? 

his thumb hovered over the send button for a few seconds, weighing his decisions

delete-

—————————————-  
a/n back to the present 

changkyun's eyes widened as his breath hitched in his throat 

"w-what"

he felt his heart rate increase dramatically, thinking about all the possible things jooheon could hold against him 

"changkyun"

he shifted nervously under jooheon's intensive gaze 

"i know you don't like women" 

oh.

the feeling that followed changkyun after that sentence was something like being punched in the stomach.

all the air left his lungs and again he felt trapped, much like his teenage years.

he sighed, a shaky breath leaving his body 

"i understand if you don't want to be around me anymore"

changkyun felt his heart leap to his stomach, as anxiety plagued his mind.

jooheon scoffed, rolling his eyes at the younger's apologetic nature

the truth was, jooheon felt momentary sparks of joy when he confessed his sexuality. he felt almost as if this was a sign. 

"i don't give a shit if you're gay" 

he stepped forward, placing his hand under changkyun's chin 

"hey look at me" 

and he did. changkyun raised his doe eyes and met jooheon's sharp, searing gaze

"i don't care"

liar 

"you're still changkyun" 

jooheon spoke, his rough honey like voice taking over his senses 

"none of us are going to think differently of you" 

changkyun was trying so badly to hold on. the last thing he wanted was to break down in a fit of tears in front of hardcore jooheon 

he sighed and nodded his head.

changkyun was so close to him. his nose a mere 2 inches away from his chin 

as strange as it was to say, he felt comfort in being so close to him. if he allowed himself, he would become intoxicated by jooheon's scent 

but he couldn't allow himself to do that. 

it was selfish. 

changkyun felt a pang in his heart as he remembered his harsh reality

jooheon was into girls. changkyun was not a girl.

"can i... try something ?"

jooheon tilted his head to the side; biting his silver lip piercing that glistened softly in the neon lights 

taking changkyun's face in his big hands 

he stood frozen

what the fuck was going on.

"w-what are you-"

and before he could even finish his sentence, he felt jooheon's lips on his own; felt his lip ring drag softly across his bottom lip.

the kiss was gentle and sweet, something no one would expect from a guy like jooheon 

changkyun stood paralyzed, his brain scattered, but yet so empty.

all he could think about was jooheon.

his lips were beautiful and full.. so gentle yet filled with mischief

this was everything he's ever dreamed of. how could this even be happening? 

he slowly found himself easing into the kiss; his body taking over his mind as his hands found their way to jooheon's hair, griping it softly 

this felt good.

finally they broke apart, changkyun panting for breath as jooheon watched him incredulously 

"why... why..did you do that ?"

changkyun was so confused. 

one moment they were talking, the next they were sharing an extremely intimate kiss

was this supposed to be a joke? 

he kept waiting to see if the others would jump out from behind a bush, claiming that this was all a prank, and that they quote on quote 'got his ass' 

"you make me feel really strange" 

jooheon finally spoke, lifting his gaze to meet changkyun's hazy pupils 

" i needed to see if i could confirm something" 

"and yeah, i know my answer now" 

"boobs will never excite me the way you do."

stars. changkyun was seeing stars. 

"you're serious"

"like this isn't some sick twisted prank" 

"do you really mean that" 

changkyun felt his brain racing a mile a minute.

he felt giddy, like a child on christmas morning 

jooheon nodded his head slowly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, awaiting changkyun's response 

"i thought you were hot as shit since the very moment i laid eyes on you" 

changkyun immediately slapped his hands over his mouth, realizing what he had just said 

"i'm so sorry that was extremely forward" 

his cheeks darkened into a crimson red

jooheon just giggled quietly before offering him his hand 

"may i take you home, hot stuff ?" 

changkyun snorted at his cheesiness before hesitantly taking his hand 

"wow that was awfully charming"

jooheon quirked an eyebrow at him

"watch yourself computer boy" 

this whole night had felt like nothing more than a fever dream. so much had happened in the span of a couple of hours, but honestly... it just felt right.

this moment, being with jooheon. it felt natural.

"how are you gonna take me home if you didn't bring your car ?" 

changkyun furrowed his eyebrows at the older

i mean don't get him wrong, the gesture was extremely sweet, but not very practical 

jooheon just looked at him like he was dumb 

"ever heard of a subway, geek ?"  
—————————-

they clambered into the almost empty subway, taking a bench seat by the window 

changkyun was an emotional wreck at the moment

feeling happy, but also scared. warm but cold and clammy.

they sat in silence for a little bit, until he felt jooheon nudge his shoulder

he stuck an earbud out to changkyun, motioning for him to put it in his ear.

jooheon flicked around his playlist, a look of concentration on his face 

cute 

finally he had decided on a song.

changkyun watched as jooheon drummed silently on his thigh to the beat 

smiling softly to himself 

how in the world was this even happening right now ? 

jooheon caught changkyun staring; turning his gaze to the younger sat next to him 

"i wish i played guitar or something so that i could serenade you" 

"i mean i could play my drums for you, but it's not the same" 

changkyun tried to hide his fiery blush in his palms.. but the tips of his ears gave him away 

god what the fuck.

"i'd take the drum solo over the guitar serenade any day" 

he spoke yawning momentarily before lowering his head on jooheon's shoulder 

he felt a warm hand slip into his own, intertwining their fingers gently 

"you have no idea how you make me feel. you made me have gay thoughts lim changkyun. you should be proud" 

changkyun just smiled, basking in the pleasant moment.. soaking up every inch just incase this really was a fever dream, he wanted to remember it forever.

perhaps this was the beginning of something beautiful


	5. love sick

"elbows off the table changkyun" 

changkyun reluctantly removed his arms from the expensive glass dining table his parents owned in one of the many parts of their house

his mother looked him up and down. a look of disapproval on her angular features 

the only reason why changkyun was sitting here at this very moment, was not by choice. not by fate. but by force. 

"how are your studies" 

his father questioned, cutting roughly into his well done steak 

"all a's" 

he deadpanned, looking lazily around the fancy dining hall 

"look at me when i address you son" 

changkyun raised his eyes to meet his father's cold, cutting gaze 

"listen to your father changkyun" 

his mother spoke, not looking up from her plate

this was how family dinner had gone almost his entire life. 

he wanted nothing more then to just enjoy being with his parents. enjoy the feeling of their support... 

but that wasn't gonna happen.

"your semester project? how's that going" 

changkyun fiddled with his fingers under the table, reaching half heartedly into his jacket pocket for the showcase brochure 

"the showcase is next friday.. i wasn't sure if you wanted to come or not" 

his father's eyes never left his own plate 

typical. 

"i'm afraid i'm booked friday. your mother as well"

his mother nodded stiffly.

changkyun stuffed the brochure back into his pocket harshly, not really caring if it got crumpled. 

he grasped his fork angrily

"the time is coming very soon where we will begin preparations for you to take over the company" 

changkyun bit his tounge. 

"that's great dad" 

silence filled the dining room. only the sounds of awkward cutlery hitting china plates could be heard

"you understand you will need to give me heirs sooner than later, seeing as  
though you're my only son" 

changkyun almost choked on his steak

are you serious right now.

he looked numbly down at his plate, trying to stop the bubbles of anxiety in his stomach 

would he ever tell his parents? 

or choose to live unhappily for their sake...

"if you don't find a suitor that meets our standards by the end of your college years, we will have no choice, but to find you an arrangement"

"jesus dad a suitor. really."

changkyun tried his best to hide his frustration

"why can't you just treat me like your son"

"is that too much to ask? does my existence really mean that little to you that you can't even show me basic forms of affection? just once... just one time i would like to here you say the words 'i'm proud of you' or maybe an 'i love you' ...dad"

changkyun's face was red with anger

"affection is for the weak" 

—————————————————

"why are you so far away" 

jooheon spoke laughing lightly, pulling a very nervous and sweaty changkyun into his side 

he blushed lightly, trying his best to keep his composure, but it was impossible 

"it's so funny when your cheeks get all red from me barely doing anything"

"sh-shut up" 

changkyun pushed him away playfully

"no come back" 

jooheon retaliated, grabbing changkyun's hand in an iron grip

it was a rather quiet evening as the two of them peacefully walked side by side down the usually bustling sidewalk 

after changkyun had gotten back from his horrible "family" dinner, he was met with the punked out drummer leaning against his beat up toyota in the dorm parking lot

a cigarette in one hand

a wilted flower in the other 

how poetic 

changkyun snorted, a light smile gracing his pointed features 

they had been keeping up quite a lot lately

texting nearly everyday, bullshitting about anything and everything 

jooheon was like a never ending puzzle that changkyun was more than eager to put together 

"and how was your day kyun ?" 

jooheon spoke teasingly, draping his large arm over changkyun's smaller frame 

"complete and utter ass with a side of hot shit" 

jooheon's face contorted in a playful manner, holding his breath to stop himself from laughing 

"jesus kyun, who pissed in your cheerios this morning" 

changkyun stared wordlessly at jooheon's eyebrow piercing 

he watched it raise up and down as his eyes formed tiny crescents 

he couldn't help himself anymore

he reached his hand out to the boys eyebrow, running his fingers over the piercing 

"hey dipshit i asked you a question-what are you doing.."

"does it hurt?" 

changkyun questioned, tilting his head to the side 

jooheon gazed at changkyun numbly, narrowing his eyes at the younger

"how the fuck did you get into seoul IT again?" 

changkyun frowned, cheeks heating up in embarrassment 

sometimes he just kinda said things without giving them much thought 

"well i don't know.. i've never had a piercing before.. excuse my curiosity" 

"changkyun it hasn't hurt me since i got it pierced when i was like 16"

what a dumb question. really changkyun?

"you know i'm just giving you a hard time right?" 

changkyun nodded silently, starring at the sidewalk

"hey don't leave me hanging"

jooheon spoke, nudging the smaller boy

"tell me what's up"

"no it's fine, i'm fine.. just a bad day thing that's all"

"if you don't fucking talk to me i'm gonna kiss you on the mouth"

jooheon blurted out cockily, his eyebrow piercing raising in the process 

changkyun rolled his eyes, a smile gracing his features 

"okay." 

jooheon stopped whatever he was doing, looking the younger dead in the eyes 

"what? no wait that's not how that's supposed to work idiot" 

"just tell me what's wrong will you"

changkyun sighed, finally giving into the stupid game he was playing

"it's just.. my parents that's all.." 

jooheon rolled his eyes 

"elaborate" 

"they want me to find someone..a girl"

"and give them grandchildren as soon as i graduate.." 

jooheon nodded slowly more to himself

"do you plan on finding a girl?"

changkyun exhaled a shaky breath 

"only if you're willing to go by julia"

jooheon smiled widely down at the younger, clapping him on the back,

"we'll figure this out.." 

changkyun smiled weakly.. he really wished his parents could be supportive of him

"hey. don't worry about this ok? you still got a lot of time before they come knocking on your door demanding for anything" 

"besides"

"you really think i would ever let a chick touch you?"

changkyun blushed, lightly punching him on the chest

"i'm not your property big guy"

"no you're right"

"you're my bitch"

changkyun shot him a glare, to which jooheon returned a sullen smirk  
—————————————————

———————————————————

"what are we doing here?" 

changkyun questioned, looking at the small music shop in front of them 

"i just gotta grab a couple things for our show next week"

changkyun nodded in understanding, following closely behind the older into the dimly lit shop

"hey my man, jooheon"

a guy with multiple tattoos littering his arm greeted the drummer, smiling widely 

"what's up josh"

"damn i feel like i haven't seen you in forever.. how's the band?"

josh questioned, crossing his arms across his chest, biceps flexing in the process

"yeah they're good.. minx is finally starting to take off, so you can imagine how hectic it's gotten for us"

josh nodded in understanding 

"yeah me jeonghan and wonwoo have started playing more shows together.. i guess we could be considered a band now" 

"still thinking on the name though" 

"ah shit. tell that mother fucker wonwoo that he still owes me a g"

jooheon spoke, playful annoyance evident in his tone

"new friend?" 

josh looked quizzically over at changkyun

"oh shit i completely forgot. josh this is changkyun" 

changkyun waved awkwardly 

"nice to meet you changkyun, i'm joshua, but everybody just calls me josh" 

the tattoo guy smiled a lopsided smile over at the boy, making him a bit nervous 

changkyun had to admit. he was cute. 

obviously no where near jooheon, but he was nice to look at

"so jooheon, what can i do for you today?" 

"just grabbing some new sticks and a pedal for hoseok"

"alright, you know where they are"

jooheon nodded before walking off towards the back of the store

"changkyun i'll be right back"

"hong don't flirt with him" 

josh held his hands up in surrender 

as soon as jooheon was out of sight, josh leaned over the counter, arms under his chin

"so you and big guy huh?"

changkyun blushed profusely before attempting to wave off the allegation

"oh come on, it's so obvious really, the way he looks at you and all" 

"i mean we're just friends.. that sometimes kiss.."

josh's eyes widened in realization 

"oh so he hasn't made it official yet"

changkyun nodded his head, embarrassment evident on his face 

"he must really like you if he's going this slow holy shit"

"r-really?" 

"yeah i mean with his ex girlfriend he-" 

"what are you guys talking about" 

jooheon questioned, entering the front of the shop with sticks shoved under his arm and a pedal in one hand 

"nothing" 

joshua smiled innocently over at jooheon, to which he squinted in retaliation 

"just ring me up moron will you?"

he shoved the sticks and pedal up on the counter top, grabbing hold of changkyun in the process 

"sure thing asshat" 

he laughed quietly, ringing up the older, and bagging the supplies 

"see you around hong" 

"yeah you too joo. bye changkyun" 

changkyun awkwardly waved goodbye, before being pulled out the door forcefully 

by a very 

obviously jealous 

jooheon 

"i can't believe you were making googily eyes at josh of all people"

jooheon sulked

"i think you're imagining things"

"because i only have googily eyes for you.."

oh changkyun that was awful 

jooheon burst out laughing before pulling the younger into his side 

"oh man you suck at flirting"

changkyun looked down at the ground dejectedly

jooheon laughed harder 

this time, pulling changkyun closer

placing a light kiss on his forehead 

"you're so adorable"

"but you fucking smell"

another kiss on the forehead 

"i'm kidding"

dead. changkyun is dead. 

his cheeks were so red, he looked sick

yeah, love sick. 

changkyun shoved his hands in his pockets out of sheer nervousness

but there seemed to be something in his pocket? 

he fiddled around with his jacket, pulling out a crumpled brochure 

oh.

"what's that?" 

jooheon questioned, looking over changkyun, trying to get a glimpse of the paper 

"oh this?.. it's.. nothing.. just some paper"

jooheon rolled his eyes, before snatching the crumpled brochure out of his hands

"a semester project showcase huh?"

changkyun tried his best to snatch the brochure out of his hands, but to no avail... he couldn't reach 

"yeah it's just stupid.. it's not a big deal it's just some dumb thing the school is doing it's not-"

"so you were just gonna do this nerdy shit without inviting me?"

changkyun thought for a moment

no one ever came to any of his events

he didn't want to burden people

"jooheon you don't have to go, it's not mandatory it's okay" 

jooheon quirked an eyebrow at the nervous boy

"but what if i wanna come see you?"

"would you be opposed if i came and watched your showcase huh?"

changkyun smiled, pushing himself into jooheon's chest, wrapping his arms around him

"no i wouldn't be opposed.. as long as you promise not to get bored"

jooheon smirked down at the younger, wrapping his arms around his torso in return 

"never a dull moment with you"


End file.
